So much fresh seafood ...

... so few open minds or adventurous eaters in town right now.

I have no idea what She Who Orders was thinking this week, maybe just hitting some killer sales, but in the space of three hours today I found myself staring at fresh Hawai'ian Mahi, Yellow Fin Tuna, Alaskan Halibut, and Steamer Clams. Such an orgy of seafood happiness. If only there were more people to include in said food orgy.

I feel like putting together a fancy seafood plate for the weekend dinner specials, but on what shall I focus? I have to do something with all of this lovely seafood - it'd be a shame not to do so, and would certainly tack on several decades to my time in Food Purgatory. Freezing fresh seafood definitely earns a few extra tours through the "Food Abuse" level of Purgatory.


Oooh ... Mango Mahi-Mahi (yeah, go ahead and try to remember The Rules of Being Steve from The Tao of Steve); I have freshly made Mango Chutney sitting in the walk-in, the product of an afternoon when Stef had too little with which to entertain herself. That would be a nice way to showcase the Mahi, and I have managed to pull the Mahi/Mango combo over once before without anyone getting terribly suspicious and falling back on the brown food menu.

The tuna is crying out for a ginger-sesame treatment, and the halibut has so many different options. I like my steamers sauteed with white wine, garlic, onions, diced tomatoes, and parsley. Those are always a nice appetizer option.

Hmmm ... a whole night to dream about fresh seafood, to think about what is possible, and then realize what is plausible in Trout Creek, Montana. Aw, hell ... I live to challenge people with the food offerings, so why not go for broke?

"I see a clinic full of cynics" - Ways to Clear a Bar Quickly #2

I warned you - did I not say that "Ways to Clear a Bar Quickly" would likely become a recurring segment?!? The only amazing thing is that the Baroness has yet to feature prominently in a rash of segments.

If one's musical selections affect the course of the day's events, then I most certainly chose poorly this morning. Somehow, early in the a.m., it seemed like a good idea to kick the day off with Collide's 2004 electrogoth/triphop cover of the 1981 new wave Fun Boy Three song "The Lunatics (Have Taken Over the Asylum)". For those who find that life has passed them by these musical genres and moments, here's a (SFW) data dump to further your musical education.

More Trout Creek drama follows after the jump.



Frequently I find the chorus to this song racing through my mind; I'm beginning to think that it may be the Wayside theme song. (Yes, I understand the original sociopolitical context of the song, but right now I am working from a more superficial level of engagement). Shall we take a look at a few of the moments in which lunatics overtook the asylum that I call "work".

The Baroness slipped a key cog today and threw a tantrum of epic proportions that scared Hickey Boy so badly that he fled as soon as humanly possible. I have never seen him unload a delivery quite that quickly, and didn't know that it was possible to peel out in a tractor trailer parked on dirt. The tantrum was non-specific, but incredibly out of control all the same. Even Louise was scared to reenter the kitchen after experiencing that little episode.

But, as the John Hyatt song says, "Thank god the tiki bar [was] open," offering a nice place of escape. The lunacy continued onto the porch, however. Normally the porch is filled with regulars, but this afternoon it was invaded by a large group of black leather clad bikers, hanging out in the 95 degree weather on the covered portion of the porch. The disconcerting bit was that the bikers were decked out in colourful leis, drinking mango margaritas from fluted glasses garnished with flower bedecked straws. Imagine the tour guide: "And on your left, our local biker gang who pride themselves on being absolute tough guys." My kingdom for a fully functional digital camera!

This was a mere prelude - a scum on the evolutionary pond of disasters - for what was to come. 'Twas a night of revelations and confrontations on a magnitude that requires something of a flowchart, expressed in chess terms:

(White Queen) - Leaves her husband, White Pawn.
(Black Queen) - Leaves her husband, Black Pawn.

(WQ) - Hooks up with The Knight.
(BQ) - Hooks up with The Knight.

(WQ) - Becomes aware of competition for The Knight's attention.
(BQ) - Becomes aware of competition for The Knight's attention.

(WQ) - Hooks up with married man whose wife has purportedly left him.
(BQ) - Puts beeline on The Knight and successfully dominates his time.

(WQ) - Upset at having lost The Knight competition, successfully devises a plan to steal him from the Black Queen.
(BQ) - Realizes that she has been overthrown by White Queen in The Knight's attentions, devises plan for revenge.

(WQ) - Relegates The Knight to backseat and carries on with married man.
(BQ) - Seeks out and hooks up with White Pawn.

(WQ) - Discovers that married man's wife is none-too-happy about his involvement with the White Queen.
(BQ) - Tells others about involvement with White Pawn, but wants it kept secret (as if).

(WQ) - Hooks up with White Pawn on occasion.
(BQ) - Learns that White Queen is once again hooking up with White Pawn.

(WQ) - Rifles White Pawn's cellphone and discovers text message history between White Pawn and Black Queen; confronts White Pawn.
(BQ) - Tipped off by White Pawn about cellphone violation, vents her distress to one of the town busy-bodies.

(WQ) - Solicits advice from others as to course of actions since she is unhappy that Black Queen is hooking up with her White Pawn.
(BQ) - Awaits public acknowledgement by White Queen of the bombshell.

All night long the tensions build ....

The tension in the bar formed an almost visceral blanket through which few people wanted to venture, and yet, true to the soap opera addiction style, few people wanted to leave. As I was closing the kitchen, I said to Mongo, "A more suspicious person might think that you and Louise are tag-team babysitting this situation tonight." His only reply was that there would be a discussion about bringing your personal shit to work. Ahhh ... another moment in the "stay or leave" debate. "Leave" carried the day when Mongo discovered that the Black Queen had a rather suspicious flat tire on her car. I can count on hearing the details at least twenty times tomorrow.

Today was definitely one in which "the lunatics ha[d] taken over the asylum."

As I climbed into my car to go home, a voice cut through the music, coming from the front porch: "You cheap [madre malditos] need to buy me a drink!"

***Update***
The local tire shop confirmed that the puncture was, indeed, suspicious, seeing as how its source was a knife.

Cowboys Don't Eat That Stuff

Cowboy rode again Thursday night, in fine entertaining form.

Planning for a slow Thursday night, the dinner special was designed to clear stuff from the freezer (why, yes, that is code for "leftovers"). Grouped as a "South of the Border Steak Platter", the special was:

• Thinly-sliced grilled flank steak
• Kickin' Spanish rice (made with love and a healthy dose of Valentina)
• Grilled onions and mixed bell peppers
• Fresh, grilled tortillas.

Enter the Cowboy. Acting in the role of my favourite "special pusher" of the moment, Satsuki (as in Totoro) asked Cowboy if he was going to have the special. His exact reply:

"Cowboys don't eat that stuff!"

Followed promptly by:

"Can I please get an order of mini-corndogs?"

Yeah, because all cowboys love bite-sized processed chicken wieners dipped in a honey batter. It's the obvious choice, really.

(I love the twisted Totoro logic whereby a character is called "Satsuki", which means "May", and her little sister is "Mei" (pronounced similarly to May) which most often means "sprout".)