Remember Monty Montgomery's character "Cowboy" in David Lynch's severely navel-gazing film Mulholland Drive?
(This will segment will do one of three things: 1) help you remember, 2) confirm that you never saw the film, 3) confirm that you saw the film, but found it to be terribly self-involved to the point that David Lynch didn't really care if anyone "got" the film but himself).
Cowboy: A man's attitude... a man's attitude goes some ways. The way his life will be. Is that somethin' you agree with?
Adam Kesher: Sure.
Cowboy: Now... did you answer cause you thought that's what I wanted to hear, or did you think about what I said and answer cause you truly believe that to be right?
Adam Kesher: I agree with what you said, truthfully.
Cowboy: What'd I say?
Adam Kesher: Uh... that a man's attitude determines, to a large extent, how his life will be.
Cowboy: So since you agree, you must be someone who does not care about the good life.
Moving on from that walk down cinematic memory lane, the star of today's "Ways to Clear a Bar Quickly" is, and shall be known here as, Trout Creek's own version of Cowboy.
Cowboy had been in the bar drinking for a couple of hours when, around 9:30pm he looked up at the bartender and said, "I need you to kick me out, cut me off, or tell me the bar is closed." Mind you, Cowboy has been known to drink for hours on end without appearing to lose much of his grip on sobriety.
Our stalwart bartender replied, "Why is that, Cowboy? You haven't been here that long, and it's early yet."
Cowboy: "Well, I've still got to get that load of dynamite in my truck home safely."
Bartender: "The load of what?"
Cowboy: "Dynamite. I've got a truck full of dynamite out there waiting for me to finish getting it home and stowed away."
Bartender: "How much dynamite is out there?"
Cowboy: "A full truck load, the maximum I was allowed to haul under the paperwork I had for today."
Bartender: "Hope no one flicks a butt that direction."
Cowboy: "I've got signs all over the truck, and I parked it away from anyone else."
Bartender: "If that truck goes up, that'll leave a huge hole in the parking lot for Mongo to fill in when he gets back from Seattle."
Cowboy: "Honey, if that truck goes up, there won't be a Trout Creek for him to come home to. There's enough dynamite in that truck to take out everything in at least a ten mile radius."
Bartender: "Two questions, Cowboy. Number 1: Are your dogs on the truck like they always are?"
Cowboy: "No! I left them at home today. No room for 'em once I got all the dynamite loaded."
Bartender: "Number 2: Is your truck locked?"
Cowboy: "Yeah, truck's all locked up, though I had to find the keys and remember how to lock all the doors on the truck."
(No one locks their car around here. A lot of people don't even take their keys out of the vehicle. It was amusing a few weeks ago to hear a car alarm going off on a vehicle with out of state tags. Who was going to pay attention to a car alarm going off when no one really bothers with securing their vehicle in the first place?!?)
Bartender: "Well, looks like you just finished that drink, but there's another been bought for you."
Cowboy: "Can I get a go cup for it?"
Bartender: "No! Dynamite needing to go home. Safely. Remember?!?"
Cowboy: "Oh ... well then I guess I better slam it and get going."
Bartender: "Folks, the bar is now closed for Cowboy. You want to buy him a drink, let me know and I'll leave a token at the bar for him."
Cowboy: "Night folks. Gotta get that dynamite home."
Bartender: "Watch out for deer, now."
The obvious questions that no one asked:
1) What is Cowboy doing with all that dynamite in the first place?"
2) Why did he feel the need to stop off at the bar for a couple of hours before securing the dynamite?"
3) Where do you get that much dynamite in the first place?
It is fairly self-evident that Cowboy made it home safely .... That's tonight's "Way to Clear a Bar Quickly", coming to you from within the ten mile radius.
