Comparative Jail Cells 101

Ah, the comparisons that take place in casual conversation, today's involving jail cells of Sanders County. Yes, there actually are multiple cells - three, if I gathered correctly from the conversation. Based on the thirty years' experiences amongst the half-dozen people participating, the cells break down as such:

"Solitaire Confinement" - not officially, but true by practice. The special features of this cell include a non-functioning television and a lack of windows.

"Male Underwear Cell" - so named for the ancient pair of men's underwear that seems to permanently reside in the cell. These underpants have been confirmed to exist by conversation participants over a twenty-two year period.

"Western Genre Cell" - notable because it is the most frequently utilized cell. Features of this cell include a poorly-seated window which may be sufficiently wedged open to allow free passage for a small cat (making this an undesirably frigid cell in winter), a functioning television set with tricky volume controls, and a tremendous collection of western genre novels.

In how many conversations have you participated that included threads such as:

"Which cell did you have?"
"Oh, which time do you mean?"
"The most recent time, of course!"
"I had the westerns cell."
"Didja think it was cleaner than last time?"
"Now that you mention, yeah, it was!"
"That's because I cleaned that cell the whole two days I was in last time. They gave me the run of the jail so long as I was cleaning, and all I wanted was a clean cell. Guess it's better than rereading those same cowboy books."

Why, yes, that last bit was courtesy of the Baroness. She drew a DUI last year (and is peeved that hers is one of only four for the year in the whole county) and was to spend twenty-four hours in the drunk tank. This being Montana, however, they never stipulated that those twenty-four hours be continuous. She opted for two twelve hour shifts, separated by a week, and arrived stone-cold sober for the second shift.

At the end of today's jail cell round robin, the Baroness pondered aloud that, in all likelihood, the infamous underwear belong to Major Benjy. Apparently their appearance, at least within the range of the gathered memories, would coincide with one of his earliest DUI experiences. Others in the conversation conceded the possibility. Thanks to a drunken water skiing incident last summer, all of our regulars have seen Major Benjy's tighty-whiteys. Before laundry day. Not a pretty sight. Neither tighty nor whitey. Since they weren't together then, though, she cannot be certain. If she remembers to do so, she plans to ask his ex-wife the next time they talk. Can't you just imagine that one: "Did he ever come home from jail missin' his tighty-whiteys???"