I love seeing heads pop over or through the swinging doors to the kitchen, because they are frequently followed by hands bearing offerings of freshly harvested ingredients. Today was an exemplary day for such offerings.
A grocery sack of sweet, crisp carrots - still bearing garden dirt and morning dew,
An assortment of chiles,
Half a dozen fresh-caught crawfish,
Four fingers of purple okra,
A handful of just-harvested fava beans,
A tablespoon of fresh-churned butter,
Thirteen of the most beautiful, fingertip-size huckleberries,
A swig of B's new batch of white lightning.
Damn!
I sautéed a couple of the carrots with the butter and some fresh herbs from the planter behind the kitchen.
The crawfish, once cleansed of their mud-love, worked well with a chili, the okra, the fava beans, and some rice to create a scrumptious gumbo. All told there wasn't more than a soup bowl worth of the dish, but it made for an exquisite dinner.
To finish off the day, I swigged the white lightning, as instructed, and then savoured the huckleberries in all of their juicy righteousness as a lovely chaser.
Yum! I love people who bring me treats!
04 September 2009
27 August 2009
Drunken Medal of Spirit
(pun intended)
The "Drunken Medal of Spirit" honours those who, having engaged in the Bacchanalian rites, put forth those comments about which mere mortals can only fantasize.
The inaugural recipient of the Medal goes to Mr. Yakko, for his distinguished performance tonight. Yakko, after ten grueling hours of Bacchanalia, staggered over to Mrs. Elizabeth Mapp-Flint, threw his arm around her shoulders (thus thoroughly violating her personal space as they are not in the least friendly), and asked if she was leaving. Upon being told that she would not be staying to join in his revelry, he looked her square in the eye and declared, "You're just a candy ass."
Raise your hand if you haven't wanted to say that to Mrs. Mapp-Flint at some point in time.
Yeah, didn't think there would be any upraised hands on that one.
The "Drunken Medal of Spirit" honours those who, having engaged in the Bacchanalian rites, put forth those comments about which mere mortals can only fantasize.
The inaugural recipient of the Medal goes to Mr. Yakko, for his distinguished performance tonight. Yakko, after ten grueling hours of Bacchanalia, staggered over to Mrs. Elizabeth Mapp-Flint, threw his arm around her shoulders (thus thoroughly violating her personal space as they are not in the least friendly), and asked if she was leaving. Upon being told that she would not be staying to join in his revelry, he looked her square in the eye and declared, "You're just a candy ass."
Raise your hand if you haven't wanted to say that to Mrs. Mapp-Flint at some point in time.
Yeah, didn't think there would be any upraised hands on that one.
25 August 2009
Ventriloquist Nightmare: Vote Now!
This represents an important phase in the development of my fantasy football team, and your vote is urgently needed. Be a part of the process that is getting me to actually participate in fantasy football for the first time ever (if you don't count last year's Montana Lottery Fantasy Football follies).
Vote early! Vote often! Just vote! Do not leave this up to me. I'll take off at a left angle, as always, and that isn't always a pretty sight. You've been warned.
People, help me out! After much (silly) deliberation on (not-at-all serious) team name titles, the lovely LaVonda suggested "Ventriloquist Nightmare". That was just too good to pass by, so away I went. Now the catch. I simply cannot abide the default non-logo, and must substitute my own. That being said, I'm throwing it open to a vote. The poll gadget on this site appears to be sufficiently lame as to not allow visual images, so we're going old-school call-and-response style.
(Speaking of old-school, did anyone else see the news today about atms in East London soon functioning in Cockney Rhyming Schemes? How sweet is that?!? Instead of accessing your card, the machine will now access your bladder of lard. Awesome!)
Here are your options:
Option A
Option B
Option C
Vote early! Vote often! Just vote! Do not leave this up to me. I'll take off at a left angle, as always, and that isn't always a pretty sight. You've been warned.
16 August 2009
Kilts and Dog Collars: Ways to Clear a Bar Quickly #s 3 & 4
Why stop with just one way to clear a bar quickly when you could have two on the same day?
Ways to Clear a Bar Quickly #3
The Albeni Falls Pipe and Drum Band participated in today's Huckleberry Festival events, which involved men in kilts. Men, in kilts, who dared venture into the Wayside, whilst still wearing said kilts. All anyone heard at first was, "Baroness, Baroness, No! No! Baroness! No, Baroness! Uh oh. Someone help the man in the skirt get away from the Baroness, please." Yeah, she was curious and decided it was time to answer the age-old question for herself. Poor guy.
This led, somewhat understandably, to an earnest conversation about the potential efficacy of an electric dog shock collar for modifying and controlling the Baroness' behaviour. Oddly enough, there were none who thought this would be a cruel idea. Everyone polled was vastly in favour of the idea; of course, they also wanted possession of the trigger mechanism.
Ways to Clear a Bar Quickly #4
Did you know that a frozen shrimp tail barb can penetrate the human thumb quite easily? To a depth of an eighth of an inch?
If you want to clear a bar quickly, or at least the kitchen, start asking around for a wickedly sharp, yet thin-tipped knife. Almost everyone in the bar will have a knife, but they'll also want to know why you need to borrow their knife. Then you get to explain that you would like to cut a shrimp barb out of your thumb. Suddenly you'll find yourself surrounded by a pile of rather nice pocket- and hunting knives, but utterly abandoned to your grisly task. At least it was the thumb in which I have very little feeling on the best of days. The knife I went with was a hunting knife, extremely sharp, and well-balanced. The incision itself is an eighth of an inch deep by a quarter of an inch long, but really only two or three millimeters wide. Like I said, a wonderfully sharp knife. Of all the days for me to not have one of my own knives in my pocket.
To cap off the evening, the Baroness provided some sage advice to Dot. Dot burst through the kitchen door doing a "spider in my shirt" dance, though the cause was not a spider, but rather, "A creepy guy just touched my arm." The Baroness merely shrugged and said, "You'll get accustomed to it."
Ways to Clear a Bar Quickly #3
The Albeni Falls Pipe and Drum Band participated in today's Huckleberry Festival events, which involved men in kilts. Men, in kilts, who dared venture into the Wayside, whilst still wearing said kilts. All anyone heard at first was, "Baroness, Baroness, No! No! Baroness! No, Baroness! Uh oh. Someone help the man in the skirt get away from the Baroness, please." Yeah, she was curious and decided it was time to answer the age-old question for herself. Poor guy.
This led, somewhat understandably, to an earnest conversation about the potential efficacy of an electric dog shock collar for modifying and controlling the Baroness' behaviour. Oddly enough, there were none who thought this would be a cruel idea. Everyone polled was vastly in favour of the idea; of course, they also wanted possession of the trigger mechanism.
Ways to Clear a Bar Quickly #4
Did you know that a frozen shrimp tail barb can penetrate the human thumb quite easily? To a depth of an eighth of an inch?
If you want to clear a bar quickly, or at least the kitchen, start asking around for a wickedly sharp, yet thin-tipped knife. Almost everyone in the bar will have a knife, but they'll also want to know why you need to borrow their knife. Then you get to explain that you would like to cut a shrimp barb out of your thumb. Suddenly you'll find yourself surrounded by a pile of rather nice pocket- and hunting knives, but utterly abandoned to your grisly task. At least it was the thumb in which I have very little feeling on the best of days. The knife I went with was a hunting knife, extremely sharp, and well-balanced. The incision itself is an eighth of an inch deep by a quarter of an inch long, but really only two or three millimeters wide. Like I said, a wonderfully sharp knife. Of all the days for me to not have one of my own knives in my pocket.
To cap off the evening, the Baroness provided some sage advice to Dot. Dot burst through the kitchen door doing a "spider in my shirt" dance, though the cause was not a spider, but rather, "A creepy guy just touched my arm." The Baroness merely shrugged and said, "You'll get accustomed to it."
13 August 2009
Glass Houses (and all related jazz)
The Background
Doing laundry yesterday morning involved putting up with a running dialogue about the 
"backwoods-ness" of Trout Creek that was taking place between a youngish couple passing through on their way home to South Dakota. Not just South Dakota, but Gary, South Dakota (population 231). The couple in question? They were the real life models for Meg and Hamilton Swan - the obnoxious, awful preppy couple - in the film Best in Show. I was a very good girl, however, and held my retorts in check all morning long.
"backwoods-ness" of Trout Creek that was taking place between a youngish couple passing through on their way home to South Dakota. Not just South Dakota, but Gary, South Dakota (population 231). The couple in question? They were the real life models for Meg and Hamilton Swan - the obnoxious, awful preppy couple - in the film Best in Show. I was a very good girl, however, and held my retorts in check all morning long.Today, or, "How It Went Down"
I was sitting at the bar shortly after opening this morning, making out a prep list for the Baroness when in walked the terrible two-some, aka, Meg and Hamilton.
Meg: "What do you think they have for a soup today?"
Hamilton: "I don't know, probably Campbell's Chicken Noodle. Oh! Look, another poster for "The Tempest". I bet it's popular here because it's an eighteenth century Poseidon Adventure."
Meg: "Likely, but they would have to get Jeff Foxworthy to rewrite the script for them so that they would maybe be able to follow the story. Excuse me, what's the soup?"
Oh, yeah, it was war.
My reply: "If I may, "The Tempest" is completely unlike The Poseidon Adventure, or to be temporally accurate, the inverse is true, but the point remains. Likewise, you're off on the century; the play was actually written in the very early seventeenth century. Also, we prefer our Shakespearean plays in their intended meter and form, in this case neoclassical structures expressed in iambic pentameter verse. The redneck-speak version must be a South Dakota thing. As to your question, today's soup is Italian Sausage and Cheese Tortellini. Would you like a drink?"
Huh ... they left.
Then Violet Newstead (after Lily Tomlin's unflappable character in the film 9 to 5) said: "I take it they were friends of yours? Too bad they had to leave so soon. That could have been fun." This was followed by a muttered, "Jerks."
Trout Creek may only be an unincorporated census-designated place, but if you are from Gary, South Dakota, should you really be thinking that you have that much room to throw stones?!?
30 July 2009
So much fresh seafood ...
... so few open minds or adventurous eaters in town right now.
I have no idea what She Who Orders was thinking this week, maybe just hitting some killer sales, but in the space of three hours today I found myself staring at fresh Hawai'ian Mahi, Yellow Fin Tuna, Alaskan Halibut, and Steamer Clams. Such an orgy of seafood happiness. If only there were more people to include in said food orgy.
I feel like putting together a fancy seafood plate for the weekend dinner specials, but on what shall I focus? I have to do something with all of this lovely seafood - it'd be a shame not to do so, and would certainly tack on several decades to my time in Food Purgatory. Freezing fresh seafood definitely earns a few extra tours through the "Food Abuse" level of Purgatory.
Oooh ... Mango Mahi-Mahi (yeah, go ahead and try to remember The Rules of Being Steve from
The Tao of Steve); I have freshly made Mango Chutney sitting in the walk-in, the product of an afternoon when Stef had too little with which to entertain herself. That would be a nice way to showcase the Mahi, and I have managed to pull the Mahi/Mango combo over once before without anyone getting terribly suspicious and falling back on the brown food menu.
The tuna is crying out for a ginger-sesame treatment, and the halibut has so many different options. I like my steamers sauteed with white wine, garlic, onions, diced tomatoes, and parsley. Those are always a nice appetizer option.
Hmmm ... a whole night to dream about fresh seafood, to think about what is possible, and then realize what is plausible in Trout Creek, Montana. Aw, hell ... I live to challenge people with the food offerings, so why not go for broke?
I have no idea what She Who Orders was thinking this week, maybe just hitting some killer sales, but in the space of three hours today I found myself staring at fresh Hawai'ian Mahi, Yellow Fin Tuna, Alaskan Halibut, and Steamer Clams. Such an orgy of seafood happiness. If only there were more people to include in said food orgy.
I feel like putting together a fancy seafood plate for the weekend dinner specials, but on what shall I focus? I have to do something with all of this lovely seafood - it'd be a shame not to do so, and would certainly tack on several decades to my time in Food Purgatory. Freezing fresh seafood definitely earns a few extra tours through the "Food Abuse" level of Purgatory.
Oooh ... Mango Mahi-Mahi (yeah, go ahead and try to remember The Rules of Being Steve from
The Tao of Steve); I have freshly made Mango Chutney sitting in the walk-in, the product of an afternoon when Stef had too little with which to entertain herself. That would be a nice way to showcase the Mahi, and I have managed to pull the Mahi/Mango combo over once before without anyone getting terribly suspicious and falling back on the brown food menu.The tuna is crying out for a ginger-sesame treatment, and the halibut has so many different options. I like my steamers sauteed with white wine, garlic, onions, diced tomatoes, and parsley. Those are always a nice appetizer option.
Hmmm ... a whole night to dream about fresh seafood, to think about what is possible, and then realize what is plausible in Trout Creek, Montana. Aw, hell ... I live to challenge people with the food offerings, so why not go for broke?
18 July 2009
"I see a clinic full of cynics" - Ways to Clear a Bar Quickly #2
I warned you - did I not say that "Ways to Clear a Bar Quickly" would likely become a recurring segment?!? The only amazing thing is that the Baroness has yet to feature prominently in a rash of segments.
If one's musical selections affect the course of the day's events, then I most certainly chose poorly this morning. Somehow, early in the a.m., it seemed like a good idea to kick the day off with Collide's 2004 electrogoth/triphop cover of the 1981 new wave Fun Boy Three song "The Lunatics (Have Taken Over the Asylum)". For those who find that life has passed them by these musical genres and moments, here's a (SFW) data dump to further your musical education.
More Trout Creek drama follows after the jump.
Frequently I find the chorus to this song racing through my mind; I'm beginning to think that it may be the Wayside theme song. (Yes, I understand the original sociopolitical context of the song, but right now I am working from a more superficial level of engagement). Shall we take a look at a few of the moments in which lunatics overtook the asylum that I call "work".
The Baroness slipped a key cog today and threw a tantrum of epic proportions that scared Hickey Boy so badly that he fled as soon as humanly possible. I have never seen him unload a delivery quite that quickly, and didn't know that it was possible to peel out in a tractor trailer parked on dirt. The tantrum was non-specific, but incredibly out of control all the same. Even Louise was scared to reenter the kitchen after experiencing that little episode.
But, as the John Hyatt song says, "Thank god the tiki bar [was] open," offering a nice place of escape. The lunacy continued onto the porch, however. Normally the porch is filled with regulars, but this afternoon it was invaded by a large group of black leather clad bikers, hanging out in the 95 degree weather on the covered portion of the porch. The disconcerting bit was that the bikers were decked out in colourful leis, drinking mango margaritas from fluted glasses garnished with flower bedecked straws. Imagine the tour guide: "And on your left, our local biker gang who pride themselves on being absolute tough guys." My kingdom for a fully functional digital camera!
This was a mere prelude - a scum on the evolutionary pond of disasters - for what was to come. 'Twas a night of revelations and confrontations on a magnitude that requires something of a flowchart, expressed in chess terms:
(White Queen) - Leaves her husband, White Pawn.
(Black Queen) - Leaves her husband, Black Pawn.
(WQ) - Hooks up with The Knight.
(BQ) - Hooks up with The Knight.
(WQ) - Becomes aware of competition for The Knight's attention.
(BQ) - Becomes aware of competition for The Knight's attention.
(WQ) - Hooks up with married man whose wife has purportedly left him.
(BQ) - Puts beeline on The Knight and successfully dominates his time.
(WQ) - Upset at having lost The Knight competition, successfully devises a plan to steal him from the Black Queen.
(BQ) - Realizes that she has been overthrown by White Queen in The Knight's attentions, devises plan for revenge.
(WQ) - Relegates The Knight to backseat and carries on with married man.
(BQ) - Seeks out and hooks up with White Pawn.
(WQ) - Discovers that married man's wife is none-too-happy about his involvement with the White Queen.
(BQ) - Tells others about involvement with White Pawn, but wants it kept secret (as if).
(WQ) - Hooks up with White Pawn on occasion.
(BQ) - Learns that White Queen is once again hooking up with White Pawn.
(WQ) - Rifles White Pawn's cellphone and discovers text message history between White Pawn and Black Queen; confronts White Pawn.
(BQ) - Tipped off by White Pawn about cellphone violation, vents her distress to one of the town busy-bodies.
(WQ) - Solicits advice from others as to course of actions since she is unhappy that Black Queen is hooking up with her White Pawn.
(BQ) - Awaits public acknowledgement by White Queen of the bombshell.
All night long the tensions build ....
The tension in the bar formed an almost visceral blanket through which few people wanted to venture, and yet, true to the soap opera addiction style, few people wanted to leave. As I was closing the kitchen, I said to Mongo, "A more suspicious person might think that you and Louise are tag-team babysitting this situation tonight." His only reply was that there would be a discussion about bringing your personal shit to work. Ahhh ... another moment in the "stay or leave" debate. "Leave" carried the day when Mongo discovered that the Black Queen had a rather suspicious flat tire on her car. I can count on hearing the details at least twenty times tomorrow.
Today was definitely one in which "the lunatics ha[d] taken over the asylum."
As I climbed into my car to go home, a voice cut through the music, coming from the front porch: "You cheap [madre malditos] need to buy me a drink!"
***Update***
The local tire shop confirmed that the puncture was, indeed, suspicious, seeing as how its source was a knife.
If one's musical selections affect the course of the day's events, then I most certainly chose poorly this morning. Somehow, early in the a.m., it seemed like a good idea to kick the day off with Collide's 2004 electrogoth/triphop cover of the 1981 new wave Fun Boy Three song "The Lunatics (Have Taken Over the Asylum)". For those who find that life has passed them by these musical genres and moments, here's a (SFW) data dump to further your musical education.
More Trout Creek drama follows after the jump.
Frequently I find the chorus to this song racing through my mind; I'm beginning to think that it may be the Wayside theme song. (Yes, I understand the original sociopolitical context of the song, but right now I am working from a more superficial level of engagement). Shall we take a look at a few of the moments in which lunatics overtook the asylum that I call "work".
The Baroness slipped a key cog today and threw a tantrum of epic proportions that scared Hickey Boy so badly that he fled as soon as humanly possible. I have never seen him unload a delivery quite that quickly, and didn't know that it was possible to peel out in a tractor trailer parked on dirt. The tantrum was non-specific, but incredibly out of control all the same. Even Louise was scared to reenter the kitchen after experiencing that little episode.
But, as the John Hyatt song says, "Thank god the tiki bar [was] open," offering a nice place of escape. The lunacy continued onto the porch, however. Normally the porch is filled with regulars, but this afternoon it was invaded by a large group of black leather clad bikers, hanging out in the 95 degree weather on the covered portion of the porch. The disconcerting bit was that the bikers were decked out in colourful leis, drinking mango margaritas from fluted glasses garnished with flower bedecked straws. Imagine the tour guide: "And on your left, our local biker gang who pride themselves on being absolute tough guys." My kingdom for a fully functional digital camera!
This was a mere prelude - a scum on the evolutionary pond of disasters - for what was to come. 'Twas a night of revelations and confrontations on a magnitude that requires something of a flowchart, expressed in chess terms:
(White Queen) - Leaves her husband, White Pawn.
(Black Queen) - Leaves her husband, Black Pawn.
(WQ) - Hooks up with The Knight.
(BQ) - Hooks up with The Knight.
(WQ) - Becomes aware of competition for The Knight's attention.
(BQ) - Becomes aware of competition for The Knight's attention.
(WQ) - Hooks up with married man whose wife has purportedly left him.
(BQ) - Puts beeline on The Knight and successfully dominates his time.
(WQ) - Upset at having lost The Knight competition, successfully devises a plan to steal him from the Black Queen.
(BQ) - Realizes that she has been overthrown by White Queen in The Knight's attentions, devises plan for revenge.
(WQ) - Relegates The Knight to backseat and carries on with married man.
(BQ) - Seeks out and hooks up with White Pawn.
(WQ) - Discovers that married man's wife is none-too-happy about his involvement with the White Queen.
(BQ) - Tells others about involvement with White Pawn, but wants it kept secret (as if).
(WQ) - Hooks up with White Pawn on occasion.
(BQ) - Learns that White Queen is once again hooking up with White Pawn.
(WQ) - Rifles White Pawn's cellphone and discovers text message history between White Pawn and Black Queen; confronts White Pawn.
(BQ) - Tipped off by White Pawn about cellphone violation, vents her distress to one of the town busy-bodies.
(WQ) - Solicits advice from others as to course of actions since she is unhappy that Black Queen is hooking up with her White Pawn.
(BQ) - Awaits public acknowledgement by White Queen of the bombshell.
All night long the tensions build ....
The tension in the bar formed an almost visceral blanket through which few people wanted to venture, and yet, true to the soap opera addiction style, few people wanted to leave. As I was closing the kitchen, I said to Mongo, "A more suspicious person might think that you and Louise are tag-team babysitting this situation tonight." His only reply was that there would be a discussion about bringing your personal shit to work. Ahhh ... another moment in the "stay or leave" debate. "Leave" carried the day when Mongo discovered that the Black Queen had a rather suspicious flat tire on her car. I can count on hearing the details at least twenty times tomorrow.
Today was definitely one in which "the lunatics ha[d] taken over the asylum."
As I climbed into my car to go home, a voice cut through the music, coming from the front porch: "You cheap [madre malditos] need to buy me a drink!"
The local tire shop confirmed that the puncture was, indeed, suspicious, seeing as how its source was a knife.
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